If you put a group of heterosexual women from different walks of life in a room together and ask them to talk about the problems they’ve faced in relationships with men, you’ll begin to see certain patterns. Depending on their age, relationship status and geographical location, the specifics may vary. But the grievances that women have against men, you’ll find, have some common threads — men aren’t 100% honest with them, men get uncomfortable around outspoken/autonomous women, they tie their self-worth to how much money they make, they take very little interest in the lives of women, they feel entitled to women’s care, attention and sex, and specifically in India, are coddled by their families (especially mothers). (The last one has given rise to the term ‘man-child’ — for adult men who can’t take care of themselves.).
Given the patterns in women’s disgruntlement with men, I suspected that there might also be some patterns in the way cis-men think about women and relationships. And so the journey began. I decided to start asking men their thoughts about honesty, independence, equality, sexuality, marriage, dating, consent, and other aspects of romantic relationships.
Having listened to hundreds of stories of women who were let down by the men they dated, I wanted to know what these men were thinking. Were they confused about the rules of dating? Did they think they were owed sex by the women who agreed to go on dates with them? Why did they think they didn’t need to be honest with the women they were involved with? What made it okay for them to hold on to their exes while simultaneously obviating the romantic and sexual histories of the women they liked and dated? Why did they think a woman’s career was less important than their own?
Unsurprisingly, men don’t really like a woman telling them what to do. But men do like talking to women. I was taken by the candour that some men brought to the table. They shared their most intimate thoughts with me — about their partners, sexual desires and fears, what they really thought about when they swiped right or left on a dating app, their mental health, and where their self-esteem comes from. Some men seemed to have a sense of urgency — as if they’d been wanting to talk about these things but didn’t know whom to talk to. This frankness only confirmed the message that if we want to improve the health of heterosexual relationships, men and women need to start listening to and talking to each other. Through the interviews, I was introduced to many aspects of manhood that I didn’t anticipate. For example, one man in his 20s told me how when he moved out of his parental home, he ended up overspending on eating out because he didn’t know how to cook. He was never taught, and he wished he had. I heard similar narratives from a few other men — that they wished they’d been better equipped to simply survive without a caregiver — which in most cases is female. We get so caught up in highlighting the shortcomings of the other gender that we sometimes forget that society at large enables these flaws. While many, if not most, young urban Indian men today want a partner who is financially independent, they still attach their sense of masculinity with how much money they make. Their own self-worth and worth as a partner continues to come from how well they can provide, never mind that they can be provided for just as well. Another aspect that was particularly interesting because it exemplified how impactful words are, and just how significantly one’s choice of words matters was when I asked men what they lied to their partners about, most retorted with claims of honesty. They don’t lie, they told me. Some even preached that honesty is the bedrock of relationships, and its absence spells doom. Of course, I couldn’t believe it. I knew too many women who’d been lied to by men. So, I changed my words. Instead of asking about lies, I asked the same men the following question: “What do you do when something is important to you but your partner doesn’t approve of it?” Suffice to say — honesty is subjective and circumstantial. A last one: What women deem as lack of emotionality in men, men deem as virtuous equanimity. Women often lament that men aren’t expressive enough, or that they don’t seem to be emotionally impacted by the vicissitudes of life. This impassivity of men becomes a roadblock to intimacy in relationships. But many men seem to consider this unmoved approach to life a noble way of being. As one 27-year-old man told me, ‘To be a man means to not be easily swayed. Not get easily bothered by things and do what you need to do. That’s what men do. It’s just a practical thing to do. You can’t sit around and mope. You have to deal with things without letting them affect you.’
(The author has just published Dear Men: Masculinity and Modern Love in #MeToo India with Bloomsbury.)