Being a single parent is not an easy task — though some are sympathetic, support is not usually easy to come by. As we approach another Father‘s Day, four single fathers in Bengaluru talk about how they are fighting to break stereotypes and prejudices.
‘Trust is most necessary’
It was 2009. Mathew Royan had just resigned from a high-flying job, had lost his father sometime before, was filing for divorce, and wondering whether one day, he would become a stranger to his four-year-old daughter.
The court granted him joint custody of his daughter Sarah with his ex-wife, Mathew has been a single father for nearly five years now and he feels that things have never been better.
“Sarah is a big part of my world and I like to be really involved in her life,” he says. From being vice-president in the parent-teacher association at her school to cooking for her and shopping with her, this single father is ticking all the right boxes. “I like fashion, but she is okay with anything. It takes me a lot of effort to take her shopping.”
He feels that trust is the biggest investment in a father-child relationship. Confidence-building measures, such as buying her a phone, including her in his friends’ circle and informing her of his whereabouts all the time are his biggest responsibilities towards her.
Mathew picks Sarah up on Friday afternoons and drops her off to school on Monday mornings. “I call myself ‘an outstanding parent’ because I stand outside her school every day at 8 am to talk to her and give her a hug. Even if it’s for a minute, it’s okay,” he laughs. His daughter spends the weekends and the first half of any vacation with him. The rest of the time is spent with her mother.
Mathew feels blessed to have a great support system. His family, his cousins and his friends stayed by him through all the hurdles.
‘Be honest and reach out for help, if needed’
As someone who works with a global team in four continents and five timezones, Karthik has had to do some major rearrangements in his work as a single father. He needs to be up at 5.30 am and in bed by 11 pm, so many engagements and phone calls have to be moved around.
But he makes sure to spend every second Saturday entirely with his children, and nothing else can enter his calendar then.
Father of two boys, he feels that the hardest part is trying to play mum and failing miserably at it. “Sometimes, I can’t relate to emotions that are usually associated with a mother. There’s definitely a void,” he says.
However, Karthik mixes strictness with fun by indulging in pillow fights, fist fights and wrestling bouts with the boys.
He also finds that he is getting to know his children at a deeper level as a single parent than what would have been possible otherwise.
Karthik urges single fathers to reach out and maybe join a single parents’ group. “It’s good to see that you’re not alone. People share their stories all the time. Be vulnerable, be honest, be transparent and reach out for help if needed.”
‘Children need time from us’
Originally an officer in the railways, Niraj changed his life dramatically to welcome his son into it. He resigned from his job as the court refused to grant him full custody because of his unavailability to Rishab, his son. Currently, he is studying law and Rishab is studying in ninth standard.
son, Rishab Niraj.
“My schedule begins at 4 am when I wake up, prepare breakfast and his lunch, and then I go out to play badminton. When I return, I have breakfast, pack his lunch and drop him off at the metro station. Then I go to college,” he explains. “When he returns at 4 pm, I make sure that I have finished all my work and be there on time.”
The father and son pair several interests. Rishab looks for recipes and his father converts junk food, like pizza, into homemade food. They have visited most tourist places in Karnataka, mainly wildlife and historical sites. Besides this, they share a love for football and are hardcore supporters of the Bengaluru Football Club.
“I want to raise him the way I was brought up,” says Niraj. “I make sure he meets all his family members on my side so he knows he has a support system. He is quite insecure, so he shouldn’t feel like he doesn’t have anybody on his side.”
When Niraj can‘t fully step into a mother‘s shoes, Rishab’s grandmother and aunts help him out.
From having his bank account frozen for 42 months, and not seeing his son for a whole year, Niraj has gone through some rough times. But his family, friends, colleagues and most of the people he knew stood by him, supporting his choices.
“The way people look at us makes it difficult to go on,” he says. “But fathers today are ready to parent alone, though it takes a lot of commitment. Children need time from us. So although we sacrifice a lot, once we get used to it, single parenting becomes easy.”
‘Enjoy your role as a dad’
After single-handedly raising his daughter for two-and-half years, Vijay Mulemane can now tell naysayers that fathers too are equally adept at raising their children.
“Everything fell in place for me when she came to live with me. I cooked for her, combed her hair, potty-trained her, taught her to brush her teeth… in the 2.5 years she lived with me, she has not fallen ill even once,” he says.
Anvita, his daughter, is a picky eater. So Vijay devised an interesting strategy. He bought her an aquarium and told her that she couldn’t feed the fish until she ate her own food. Since
she loved fish, this worked wonders.
Vijay says that a major misconception that society has is that only mothers can raise children. A father is equally capable of raising a child. “It’s rare for a child to choose to stay with her father rather than her mother. Since she is fighting for me, I will go all out to fight for her.”
What does he have to say to other single dads? “Children are very sensitive, so don’t be harsh on them. Spend time with them and enjoy being a father.”