An unequal load? Food for thought this Mother's Day

On the occasion of Mother's Day, young working mothers open up about their struggles and tell us how they are finding peace amidst the mayhem.

With protracted curfews and intermittent lockdowns in most parts of the country, a general feeling of helplessness coupled with impending gloom lurks everywhere. While everyone’s facing the brunt of the unprecedented second wave, the balancing act gets tougher for women. No matter how much we talk aloud about equal distribution of household chores and gender parity, it is hard to deny that the lady of the house is the one who is often bearing the extra burden. Well, most of it, at least.

Indeed, it is a sober Mother’s Day for young working mothers. Not only are they juggling work-from-home struggles and household chores, but they are also under great pressure to sustain relationships — strained because of a lack of breathing space, thanks to everyone being cooped up under a single roof all the time. All this under the shadow of fear and anxiety, of course. Evidently, this takes a heavy toll on one’s emotional, physical and mental wellbeing. We spoke to a few women who gave us some practical tips about how they are keeping it all together.

Find your space

“Women have a unique position in society where they pursue both personal ambition and take the larger share of responsibility of domestic duties and children. To remain focused and agile, I have learnt to claim my ‘me time’ in the wee hours of dawn,” says Dr Payal Agarwal, a dental surgeon. “Exercising at that hour and reflecting uninterrupted has helped me immensely. Also, we mistakenly believe we can do it all and burn ourselves out in the quest. I find it essential to prioritise tasks that are important to me and depend on my support system for other tasks. Lastly, as a parent, this pandemic has taught me so much; the sheer resilience of my child who radiates happiness and excitement every day is enough. May we all have the kind of peace, joy and curiosity about life that our children do.”

Focus is key

Citing how being in the moment while performing a task is the key to its completion, Akshina Mehta, co-founder & head baker of a baking firm says: “The secret mantra is to do one task at a time and to be present 100 percent for each task; no distractions. Delegation is crucial; we divide and allocate work between ourselves, based on our strengths and trust the other person to handle it.”

Do what you can do

Savitha Nanjappa, a Bengaluru-based success coach and entrepreneur, opines how setting clear boundaries and having a schedule — at work and off it — can help working women manage their stress levels during challenging times like these. “A few things that helped me has been planning my calendar well and being super organised. Setting up boundaries around my work, not taking on more than I can handle, irrespective of how awkward it seems, having a schedule while working from home, setting start and stop times and specific meal times are some of the things I have done...all these are achievable, no matter how erratic your work life is.”

Handling relationships

As couples have been spending a lot more time at home than ever before, managing conflicts, dividing chores, and working toward common goals, while not intruding into each other’s space, becomes crucial for sustenance. Experts believe having a clearly defined perspective of the relationship, how the couple organise their life and schedules and what they want to do with and for each other is what defines the success of a relationship.

“In a relationship, I think it is very important for a couple to identify that, first, they are individuals and then a couple, so what they want for themselves is very important. But I’m going to say what they want with sensitivity towards others. So if I’m going to approach a relationship saying ‘I’m constantly adjusting for my partner’, that’s never going to be healthy; you have to say ‘this is what I want and I want to do this for my partner because it makes me happy’ rather than ‘I’m doing this for my partner because I want to be perceived as a good partner’ — that clear distinction is very important. A lot of relationships require adjusting, but the adjustment should be one out of choice and not one that we feel is forced upon us or is a compulsion for us. This feeds back into our schedules; because if I feel that I’m giving up a work meeting or I’ve finished my work fast or haphazardly just so I can spend that extra half an hour with my partner because I fear what my partner would say, that would never work,” avers Priyanka Varma, clinical psychologist, counsellor and psychotherapist.

“We need to really acknowledge what we’re doing and why we’re doing that. So even if I spend nine hours a day working, that one hour I may have with my partner is great. This feeds back into the relationship, feeds back into who we are as well,” she adds.

Open about expectations

Being open and transparent about your expectations is another way to better your connect with your partner, opines Savitha Nanjappa. “My husband and I make it a point to discuss our shared goals and vision as a couple for what we see happening in our careers, parenting, home and lifestyle. Both long-term and short term. Also being supportive by knowing that sometimes one of us may have a busy period and therefore the other has to step up has been something that has worked for us.”

Since the dynamics of parenting have changed over the years, Sangeetha suggests parents to ensure that the child’s mental health is taken care of while they miss out on friends, school life and regular playtime. “Parents need to get together to set up a routine, have planned time for online school, after-school assignments and play and spend quality time doing creative things like baking, painting, etc.,” she suggests.

Follow your happy

For couples who are at crossroads due to the pandemic or otherwise, celebrity numerologist Sheelaa M Bajaj has some advice. “Not compromising on who you are and what you love doing is important and not expecting that of the other. Both me and Vyshakh believe in letting each other be. I guess being an author of a book on relationships has its own benefits. You tend to have more allowance and acceptance in your relationships. Since parenting has changed, it’s important to stop mollycoddling your children. My kids got involved in my work; from being a part of my healing team to providing tech support. Since their play time is limited, we do everything together — working, working out, cooking and fun stuff. Parents should look at this as an opportune moment to understand their kids, which wouldn’t have been the case if things went as they normally would. My younger son helped me with my online store as he is very tech-savvy and the elder one learnt tarot and is a brilliant reader and healer. I do yoga with my younger boy and high-intensity workouts with my elder son.”

While it’s not uncommon to get overwhelmed by the added pressures of the new normal, Sheelaa believes it’s important to give yourself a break, and enjoy the process in whatever little way you can. “My secret is to do what you have to and also always focus on fun, however elusive that seems. One must never forget we are not here to win any rat race, and more importantly, we are all living through a pandemic!”