Boxed in the man box

Often expected to be strong, successful, powerful, dominating, fearless, in control, and emotionless, men are under the constant pressure to act masculine as a result of society pushing stereotypes on them, writes Tanisha Saxena

Siddharth Aalambayan

Ranveer Brar

Vaibhav Khandelwal

Rajat Jadhav, co-founder of Bold Care

Sneha Menon Desai

Akash Soni

We are undoubtedly living in an ecosystem where we are building an inclusive and progressive world for women, all the while acknowledging the third gender and giving them opportunities. And while we assume that men are at the centre of society almost all days of the year, they deserve care and attention too.

Contrary to popular belief, men do cry. Men are supposed to have meltdowns. And they too want to unlearn how to “be a man”. International Men’s Day on November 19 every year reminds us to be an advocate and strive for equality and representation for our fellow men.

Started in Trinidad and Tobago in 1999, it was created by Dr Jerome Teelucksingh to commemorate his father’s birthday.

Fast forward 22 years and it is now celebrated worldwide. It is a day to ponder over the issues that men face and also listen to their diverse experiences.

“Assumptions that men should be protectors, breadwinners, or associating men with anger and aggression can be damaging. These beliefs are based on unproven biases leading boys and men to falsely believe them or to try to measure up to them, ultimately harming themselves and others. It’s not that men aren’t caring, compassionate, or emotional, but we, as a society, don’t value these traits in men and hence men don’t end up valuing these traits,” shares Vaibhav Khandelwal, co-founder and chief product officer at Felicity, a startup aiming to help people get access to mental health therapy through online video counselling.

As per a report published by the Union ministry of social justice and empowerment in early 2021, over 70% of callers to India’s national mental health helpline, KIRAN, since its launch, were men.

Men often shy away from seeking professional help because it is perceived as a sign of weakness. They often find it difficult to open up about mental health.

“At Felicity, we have seen increased adoption of psychological support by men, driven by the fact that in an online consultation, they can seek support privately. We need to break this stigma and realise that “Man Up” is not the answer,” concluded Khandelwal.

From being unemotional and narcissistic to being violent and power-hungry, men are often defined by these unfounded stereotypes which create an unhealthy and unrealistic understanding of what it means to be a man in today’s society.

Men not just feel shy about sharing the mental health problems they face but even sexual wellness issues go unaddressed.

Rajat Jadhav, the co-founder of Bold Care, the Mumbai-based health and wellness startup that is addressing men’s health issues such as sexual health, hair care, and daily nutrition since 2020, opened up about this and said, “It is a harsh reality that men are not open to consult a doctor even when they are in need of one and in fact, there aren’t too many andrologists and urologists.” In their initial research, they found that there are some problems that are mostly treated by Unani practitioners or quacks where men end up getting hush-hush solutions.

“We are interacting with some 1,00,000 users per month. In fact, it is treated like a joke in pop culture. But if you look at the volume, there are about 100 million men in India suffering silently. This number is in fact 3X the total number of diabetes patients in India in a nutshell,” concluded Jadhav.

Assumptions that men should be protectors, and breadwinners, or associating men with anger and aggression can be damaging. These beliefs that are based on unproven biases lead boys and men to falsely believe them or to try to measure up to them, ultimately harming themselves and others.

Chef Ranveer Brar says, “I feel men need to find more channels/ mediums for self-expression. Across generations, it’s been the unspoken rule for men to pick up the provider’s baton and just keep going through life, head down. When you find your true calling, it can be a hobby, can be a new art form or anything that lets you be you, make time for it. Celebrating yourself in any way, shape or form can be truly liberating.” Another aspect is that when it comes to parenting and caregiving, it is assumed that it’s the women who take up the burden of family care. However, a man too can choose to become a caregiver. “I learned from a Netflix series that men and women experience oxytocin in many of the same ways. Oxytocin facilitates bonding with children as even men secrete the same hormone that helps in developing attachment with their newborn. We need to understand and make it acceptable that even a father can be a caregiver and it is normal. Moreover, we men need to unlearn the hardcore conditioning of being a man,” asserts content creator and host Siddharth Aalambayan.

Sneha Menon Desai, celebrity host and head of production at Film Companion once said in her interaction with Lara Dutta that these days it’s pressure on mothers who are raising boys.

With recent movements like #metoo in place or women standing up for themselves and women standing by fellow women in society — everything hints at the upcoming times when girls will be very powerful.

Sneha, who is a mother to a toddler boy says, “I find myself deeply invested in changing the stereotypical approach to parenting. Gone are the days of the ‘raja beta’ syndrome. We need to raise our boys to be able to coexist with empowered, strong women who are keen to claim their space under the sun.”

Lastly, celebrating men’s day doesn’t belittle feminism as a movement. We often take the two in contrast or as a battle of sexism but the reality is both are different. “If we can have a day to celebrate women’s achievements in the face of sexism, then an international men’s day is to celebrate men and acknowledge the challenges they face in their lives,” sums up, Akash Soni, a media professional from Mumbai.