Dad’s the world

A growing number of men are pursuing parenthood without a partner. Here, some dads who have gone it alone, share their stories with Paarth Singh

When Cinthia (name changed) called out to her husband to change their child’s nappy, Steven (named changed) promised that he would do it the next time. And when the next time came, she was furious to see her husband following the fortunes of Royal Challengers in the IPL. When confronted, he said that he meant the next time they have a baby! Well, destiny had something different in store for the couple as after a few months, both went separate ways leaving him to face a ‘royal challenge’ in raising their only child.

Naveen and Aarav

Dual role

The void caused by the mother’s absence in a child’s life cannot be filled at any cost. However, there are a handful of men who are striving to strike the balance. Handful because most of the men who are either separated or have lost their wives are relatively proactive in finding a new partner. But the rest of them choose to play the dual role of dad and mom. However, despite their efforts, most single dads are not given the credit they deserve, as, many a times the society finds the man as the culprit of a divorce while a single mom is looked at with more compassion than their counterparts. “It does take a while to realise the enormous responsibilities involved in the growing years of a child — from learning to use the diaper to telling him bedtime stories, from keeping a track of his booster doses to his falling milk teeth, from packing his lunch and keeping his uniform ready to attending the PTMs and taking him out,” says Ravi Kulkarni who is a journalist based in Dharwad and lives with his 10-year-old son Kirtiravitej.

Ravi Kulkarni with his son Kirtiravitej

Ravi lost his wife when their child was only three. “I was helped by my mother until a year-and-half ago before she too passed away. Now my sisters drop in occasionally to make rotis as my son likes them round and not the maps that I create,” says Ravi. “The idea is to get to his level to make him understand things. I get emotional with the way he expresses his feelings be it anger, love or about the way he misses his mother, especially when he sees other kids,” Arvind (named changed), a software engineer, was one day called by his boss and offered a huge raise along with a promotion. But it did come with a rider that the 33-year-old had to move to another city. Arvind refused the benefits and eventually resigned from the job as his priority was his 6-year-old son, for whom he had to play a dual role after his divorce.

“Luckily, I found a work-from-home job which helped me devote more time to my son. I have tried to make up for his mother’s absence in every way I can,” says Arvind who also admitted to having taken the help of a psychiatrist specialising in single parenting to avoid the child care blues.

Strengthening bonds

Aarav was just six when his father Naveen Iyengar was separated from his wife seven years ago and divorced two years later. Although the custody is shared, Aarav feels at ‘home’ with his dad. “I realised that the only way to bond with your child was to replicate the mother’s touch and feel rather than taking the usual father’s provide-and-play approach. I still peck him on the lips and naturally at 13, he is a bit embarrassed. But I explain to him that he is still my chubby four-year-old and would remain so, just like our mothers used to say. My stick and candy rules have strengthened our bonds,” opines Naveen who feels that his son now has two moms.

Sheethal Goutham with her father and brother

If taking care of one child is tough enough, Goutham Chand, who came from a humble background, had two to raise — a girl and a boy. The girl — Sheethal Goutham — went on to become a tennis sensation and wore the National crown and is married to India’s top cricketer Robin Uthappa while his son Arjun specialises in mental training, the most sought-after aspect of sports these days. “Soon after my parents separated, my father was juggling between his work and taking care of us. He sold off his small business unit and completely devoted his life towards raising us till he breathed his last in 2005,” recalls Sheetal.

“Apart from playing the father’s role of earning for a living, he was a perfect homemaker. Even when I started menstruating, he told me the way it is and said that I was a brave girl and have to deal with it. He treated me more like a son,” says the champion tennis player.

“Raising a son myself, I now realise how hard it must have been for my dad. Whatever the hardships, he used to always push me, motivate me and took care of my coaching, diet and the works. Whatever I have achieved, I owe it to my dad,” concludes Sheethal who underlined the fact that single dads can be good moms too.