Is toxic femininity a thing?

The essence of toxic femininity is acting in a way that reinforces or reflects gender-based social standards or preconceptions about women. Is it as destructive to society as toxic masculinity, asks Tanisha Saxena

“Masculine and feminine roles are not biologically fixed but socially constructed.” - Judith Butler. 

Gender Trouble by Judith Butler is a ground-breaking work in the area of gender studies, a multidisciplinary academic domain that examines gender identity and gendered representation in literature. By demonstrating how one's learned gendered behaviour — what we typically associate with femininity and masculinity — is a performance that is imposed upon us by normative heterosexuality, Judith challenges the notion that some gendered behaviours are natural.

The phrase "toxic masculinity" is one that we are already familiar with — a term used to describe stereotyped traits or qualities connected to men. Men are frequently characterised by these inaccurate stereotypes, which lead to an unhealthy and erroneous picture of what it means to be a male in today's culture, ranging from being emotionless and narcissistic to violent and power-hungry.

The phrase "toxic femininity" is very recent — it entered the journalistic lexicon around  2018 — and a widespread misunderstanding is that it refers to an "aggressive form of feminism". In actuality, it is the exact reverse. Seema Anand, a storyteller and mythologist who specialises in women's narratives, thinks that while "toxic femininity" aims to reinforce the manipulative controls that compel women to adhere to the same stereotypes that society considers "feminine" characteristics, feminism fights to destroy stereotypes for women.

She continues, "toxic femininity forces women to be quiet, loving, submissive, and pretty, deferring to the male as superior just as toxic masculinity robs men of emotional empathy and promotes mindless hardness. In both situations, it deprives the person of their freedom of choice and is harmful in doing so."

Narcissism is the first aspect of today's toxic feminine reality. It's harmful to have a me-first mentality. A toxic feminine is so preoccupied with herself that she ignores, devalues, or doesn't really care about other people. In her show, The Lila Rose Podcast, podcaster Lila Rose deconstructs toxic femininity. "Toxic femininity is constantly about it's not my fault and other people's fault," she asserts. "I am the victim every time. It is a severe obsession with one's physical appearance, career, etc. It is finally so self-centred and self-filled that it leaves no room for love."

She also gave a specific example by mentioning American actress Michelle Williams who won the Best Actress award at the 2020 Golden Globes. In her podcast, Rose highlighted how Michelle "went on to the stage clutching the award taking her right to choose the abortion she had earlier in her career." In perhaps her biggest moment during her acceptance speech, Michelle defended abortion rights and encouraged women to vote "in your own self-interest". To many, this came across as toxic femininity.

Internalised misogyny

"Internalised misogyny that is supported by some women in order to defend their so-called beliefs is a crucial component of poisonous feminism. Girls may criticise other girls for using too little or too much cosmetics, for instance. Elderly ladies make decisions for young women in their homes about everything, including what to wear, what media to consume, when to work, etc. These kinds of women are just so deeply ingrained in our culture that they take offence even when someone tries to influence them in a positive way. As a result, many women are still expected to handle both their jobs and their household duties simultaneously; otherwise, they risk being labelled as irresponsible. The situation is so severe that even the women who are attempting to expose these poisonous women in their lives are accused of being "demanding," "asking for too much," and "being advanced." But despite all of this, some of us must speak up, recognise the significance, and do so in order for our nation to make true strides toward gender equality," adds Sneh Nigam, founder & CEO, Mindcafe app, India's first holistic well-being application.

Women have been battling for equality for millennia. Women are now much more liberated in some spheres of society and are making progress in their careers. Due to what they have witnessed in their own homes, there are sadly many misinformed feminists. These women have adopted the arguments given by those who are fighting for women's rights and turned them into a platform for their own domestic uprising. Now, this is quite dissimilar to feminism.

According to life coach Chetna Chakravarthy, "These are the ladies who want the husband to be very wealthy so that he can buy them a house, pay the bills, etc. The male must be well-settled, but they also want the right to assert that a man should be responsible for doing half the housework. They are asking for basic things, thus I think they are not altogether incorrect. However, the commotion they are creating around their questions is where toxicity and narcissism come into play. There are plenty of women who are making their partners feel absolutely inadequate since their partner isn't meeting their expectations on time and they are worried. These women are preoccupied with appeasing others and establishing their own successful worlds. Therefore, toxic femininity arises from a place where women are unable to comprehend what they are requesting. It is comparable to a victim turning into an offender."

While yelling about feminism, women's rights, and equality, women must be careful not to turn into bullies in everyday situations. They treat you equally and with respect. Women must therefore exercise extreme caution to avoid intimidating anyone in their efforts to claim the space that is rightfully theirs. Women should also keep in mind that more often than not, it has been women who have perpetrated and carried out sexism.

The psychological perspective

It all began with the idea that men should provide for their families financially. Traditionally, women took care of the home. They learned the value of giving to others. The jobs did, however, become more varied throughout time. Women began working and taking care of the home at the same time. The age-old question of selflessness, however, has yet to be resolved. So, if a woman asserts herself today, it is considered selfish.

Dr Sujatha Rajamani, a consultant psychiatrist believes that it's critical for women to take care of themselves. She needs to be conscious of her emotional health in general and her mental state. Unresolved trauma will undoubtedly affect how things turn out in the future, she adds.