In a bind

Our patriarchal culture is steeped in gender discrimination, and society has always justified it in the name of motherhood, tradition, religion, and divinity, writes Vasudhendra

Gender discriminations are sometimes as apparent as the noontime sun in a clear sky, yet at other times their presence in society is so subtle that nobody notices them. Even among those who claim to be progressive, sexism lingers like lice in the hair that refuses to be eradicated. The roots of gender discrimination in society seem to be in its patriarchal culture. Man’s will to power translates into oppression of the other sexes. Society has always justified these in the name of religion, culture, motherhood, divinity, etc.

As a trained counsellor, I counsel boys from the gay community. Sometimes it becomes necessary to listen to others related to this community, such as the gay boy’s mother, wife, father, and boyfriend. These counselling sessions reveal to me many truths and shortcomings of society. I want to share these shortcomings but the professional ethics of counselling require me to maintain confidentiality. So, I shall narrate them as stories and parables and for the purpose of understanding and dissemination, I will change the names, towns, and professions of the people and also add fictional elements to convey the gist of their problems.

Ramesh, 27, brought me a strange problem. He worked for a software company and had come to accept that he was gay. He was very angry about the problems he had to face in society because of his sexual preference. His eyes would be filled with anger and moistness when he would say, “Why should they hinder the way I want to live, sir?” In a way, he could be called an indirect LGBT activist. Ramesh’s parents are residents of Bengaluru and while his father is still employed, his mother is a housewife. Being the only son, he also lived with them. As there was little space for privacy at home, it was very difficult for him to invite any companions to his place. Additionally, his parents were urging him to get married. He made several excuses to avoid marriage. He did not have the courage to reveal his sexual preference to his parents. He used to visit his companions during office hours.

It was not difficult to take a couple of hours off in the middle of work. He also had the opportunity to stay in the office late in the evening to complete the pending work. With plenty of dating apps meeting people was never a concern. Due to Covid-19, many young people worked from home, and he could go to their houses. He did not need to bring anyone home. Although everything was working well, he confronted a strange problem in a way he did not anticipate... his dog, very much a member of their family. This kind of dog is renowned for having a very keen nose. Every time Ramesh returned from meeting his partner, the dog would be able to detect a fresh scent. The moment Ramesh entered the house after making love at his boyfriend’s house and gave the dog a good sniff of his body, the dog would start to bark. Ramesh had no trouble recognising that it was acting in that manner after smelling another man’s semen. However, his mother innocently enquired, “Why is this dog barking?” He felt anxious. The chaos wouldn’t calm down for at least 30 minutes. Ramesh was upset that his pet dog had turned out to be the bad guy.

Counsellors usually do not prescribe any solutions directly. They believe that everyone who is in trouble will find the right solution to their problems on their own. “Let us both think about this matter for a fortnight. Some solution might reveal itself,” I told him in the hope that time would bring eventual comfort. He came back to me exactly in a fortnight. It is not so easy to find people in society who are willing to listen to a person’s problems without prejudice. That is why the aggrieved go to a counsellor again and again. When they realise that their secrets are safe with the counsellor, they will confide without hiding anything. The more secrets they release, the lighter their body becomes. Nobody wants to live the hellish life of keeping a secret.

This time there was a lot of excitement on Ramesh’s face. “The problem is easily solved, sir,” he said as soon as he saw me. I congratulated him and said, “Very nice. Tell me in detail.” Sometimes what appears to be a solution may not be the right one. It may be a momentary bubble. As soon as we listen carefully to their solution and begin to shed light on other problems that arise from it, the bubble will soon burst. But the right path was visible to Ramesh as his father showed him the way to this solution. Seeing that the dog jumps on him and acts strangely, Ramesh’s father, suggested that Ramesh take a shower with a fragrant soap before returning home in case he was with a friend. Ramesh was shocked to hear his father’s advice but the former just smiled and said “Get married soon.”

So now he keeps a scented soap in his office laptop bag. As his office has a gym, there is also a facility to shower. Whenever he meets a companion, he goes home after taking a shower. Now the dog comes to him lovingly without making a fuss. Gone are his mom’s grumblings about the dog. Ramesh’s face beamed proudly when he said, “My father, sir, is naughty.” He was also happy that his father had given implicit approval to his secret rendezvous.

However, Ramesh knew that his father had thought of these visits as the premarital flirtation of a young man and that he had not imagined that Ramesh went in search of a boyfriend. That is why his father’s advice to “get married soon” made him nervous. Yet he was relieved that the problem was temporarily solved.

No matter how much I play the role of a counsellor, sometimes the storyteller in me suddenly takes over. One day I asked him coldly, “Ramesh, how would you have responded if your mother had given this advice to you?” Ramesh was visibly upset and angry with me for posing such a question. He asked me why I would want to demean his mother?” I didn’t get enraged; instead, I apologised to him and settled the matter then and there.

Ramesh, who is genuinely suffering because of his alternative sexuality, has no sympathy for his mother, who is deprived of personal freedom because of her gender. He cannot imagine the same nature in his mother that he proudly flaunts in his father. He thought of his gender discrimination as the respect he was showing to his mother. Gender discrimination is embedded in us like invisible lice, bacteria, and viruses.

(Vasudhendra is Kannada literature’s first openly gay writer and often says that he is “neither left nor right and not even straight”. The text has been translated by Kamalakar Bhat, a noted Kannada poet who has worked extensively in translation.)