Pleasure principle

Good relationships can end over bad sex but opening up a conversation with your partner about your sexual desires can help one take more responsibility for their own arousal and connection, writes Paarth Singh

In her four years of marriage, 30-year-old Sheetal (name changed on request) rues that she has been in a sexually unfulfilling relationship. And the worst part is that she cannot express her feelings to her husband. “I had a different notion about sex and orgasm. I was looking forward to the “earth-shattering” experience my friends had described. However, the act itself has shattered me. Now, I think it is better not to indulge rather than ending up high and dry but I do not have a choice,” laments Sheetal while adding, “this is slowly breaching our wall of marriage.”

Sheetal may be a millennial woman but the feelings and desires of women wanting to enjoy the act of sex as much as men, have been curbed for ages. So much so that a tradition of women circumcision — Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) had become prevalent across the world.

Even today, many African countries still follow the brutal practice. Studies reveal that FGM was done either as an initiation ceremony of young girls into womanhood or to ensure virginity and control promiscuity, or to protect female modesty and chastity. Whatever be the reason, primarily it was done to curtail the pleasures that seemed ‘rightfully’ belonging only to the male species!

Coming back to our own history and culture, we pride ourselves in owing the greatest knowledge of sex through the famed work of literature Kama Sutra by Vatsyayana. We also have paintings and carvings at some of the famous temples across India. Apart from suggesting various positions to achieve pleasure, the philosopher was well aware of the ability of the woman to experience orgasm. But he has rarely mentioned it in his masterpiece. Perhaps, he was aware of
her orgasmic prowess which no man would be able to match in terms of performance under the sheets. Perhaps, he was aware that it was difficult for a man to keep up to the orgasmic graph of a woman which has many troughs and crests before the final crescendo when compared to a simple up and down curve of a man.

And once she knew the pleasure of an orgasm, she would demand it every time. But alas, man would not have been able to comply! Hence, it was best to nip it in the bud and suppress the feelings of women or better still, keep them ignorant.

Although the famed scriptures date back to the third century (AD), yet, today, 70% of women do not experience orgasm in India (according to a study done by a leading condom manufacturing company last year). The statistics pertain to urban areas where women are supposed to be educated and liberated. Think about the rural folks who may not even be aware of such an experience. All she knows is that her husband rolls on and off her in a matter of few minutes. In fact, she is happy that the ordeal is over!

The core issue, however, still lies with men and their ego. No man has ever admitted, even to the best of his besties, that he cannot satisfy his woman or that ‘he’ is the problem in the conjugal discord. Added to that is the upbringing of women in our society which is the bane of this ‘injustice’ in bed for women. Forget about orgasms, discussing sex in itself is taboo in most homes. According to the traditional gender roles, it is the duty of the woman to keep her man happy in all respects. A woman, therefore, endures everything including the pain of forgoing her carnal pleasures to keep the domestic harmony intact. “Although I am sexually active for more than 20 years, I regularly fake an orgasm just because I don’t want him to feel inadequate or hurt his self-esteem,” says 40-year-old Reshma (name changed on request).

In the absence of proper guidance, many are left with no choice but to depend on other sources such as porn to gain ‘inside’ knowledge that can make them the knight of the nights. However, they soon realise the difference between reel and real while trying to emulate the stars!

Assuming that it is a man-‘maid’ error, it is time for the man to restore parity. Communication is the greatest key to open the treasure of pleasure, feels Dr Goyar, a sex therapist based in Mumbai.

“Couples should understand that the pleasure of sex is mutual and not just an act of the show. An honest discussion amongst them reduces the pressure on the man to perform as he would be aware of his woman’s needs as well,” says Dr Goyar.

“I advise my clients to first explore their body and study how it reacts to their touch. If you can understand what makes you click, it would be easy for you to make your partner understand,” says Dr Sehgal, a psychologist while adding that it is high time women became more vocal about their desires and needs.