The flower analogy

One’s sexuality is central to their self-identity. For some, coming out leads to acceptance and support, but this may not always be the case, writes Vasudhendra

Like Kolkata, which has retained its tram service, I have retained my landline phone. Few call me on that number, as everyone calls me on my mobile phone. But one day, when I came home late from work, I noticed that there were five or six missed calls from a particular number. There was also a message. The desperate message from a woman stated, ‘I will meet you in person; please don’t call back’. I realised the telephone number belonged to someone in our apartment. The person must have taken my intercom number from the apartment’s directory and called. So, I knew she would call back and decided to wait.

Within 15 minutes of my switching on the lights in the house, the expected visitor was at the door. She lived in the apartment right opposite mine, and hence she was waiting for my return. A middle-aged traditional woman. Her face betrayed traces of fear and sadness. “I was afraid that if you call back, my husband may pick up the phone,” she said. I asked her in and offered her a glass of water to ease her anxiety. She finished the glass of water in a single gulp, spilling some on her saree. After a couple of minutes of silence, she asked in a hesitant tone, “Everyone in the apartment says you are gay. Is it true?” Many in our apartment knew about my sexuality, as some of my interviews had appeared in English newspapers. I said yes. Immediately she started to cry, saying, “My son is also gay.” As I did not know her well, I didn’t dare comfort her by patting her on the back. Instead, I offered her some tissues to wipe her tears and waited quietly until she calmed down. After some time, she wiped her eyes and started to talk.

Revathi (name altered), originally from Rajasthan, had rented a flat in our apartment only six months ago. Her husband was in a senior position in the Income Tax office. The elder of their two sons was married and lived in another house nearby. Sumit is the 22-year-old younger one, mom’s favourite son. After completing his engineering degree, Sumit joined the Indian Navy. He visited home once in six months. When he came on a visit recently, he had shyly told his mother that he was gay. Besides, he had begged her to convey this matter to his father as well before returning to military duty. Revathi’s husband is from a Kshatriya community. He was especially proud of the warrior heritage of his community. He was stern and virile in keeping with this heritage. He kept his wife and children under control through his words and deeds. It was a shock to Revathi to learn that her son is gay. It was as if something from another world, which she had only seen in movies, newspapers, and TVs, had now crossed the threshold and entered her house. Added to this was her anxiety about how to tell her husband.

“I don’t know what to do. I am tossing and turning, unable to sleep,” she said. I listened to her quietly, and after beginning to get a sense of their family milieu, I asked her a question. “What do you find problematic — coming to terms with the fact that your son is gay, or how to tell this to your husband?” She confessed that she found it difficult to inform her husband about it. She was prepared to accept her son being gay after having read in newspapers or watched many stories of successful gay men on TV. But she knew for certain that her husband would not take this well. She was also afraid that she would be solely blamed for the situation. She was worried that she would be accused of making their son effeminate by the way he was raised — excessively pampered. She was even anxious that her husband might physically abuse her. I was distressed to imagine the scene of such an elderly woman being beaten up. I asked, “Isn’t he equally responsible for how your son was raised?” She responded by admitting the bitter truth: “He took credit for raising the son when he got a job in the Indian Army. But, in this case, he would say that I have raised him.” “Didn’t you raise the first son also? Do you feel there was any difference in the way you raised the two sons?” I asked. She shook her head. Why a person becomes gay is something that is not clearly known even to the scientific world, then how can this housewife know?

Although Revathi was quite distraught that day, her problem was easily solved in a couple of months. Initially, her husband blamed Revathi and scolded her. I suggested to Revathi that she should take her husband to a psychiatrist to seek advice. Luckily, her husband had a friend who was a reputed psychiatrist, and thankfully, he was not homophobic. This psychiatrist, after obtaining all the details, was able to persuade his friend. Eventually, her husband began to accept the situation. And when the son came home after six months, he was cordial to him. Revathi did not fail to keep me informed of the developments.

Six months later, they were transferred to Thiruvananthapuram. My interaction with Revathi came to an end. However, she asked for my mobile number and wrote it down in her little diary. She didn’t have a mobile phone at the time. After about five years, I received some photos on WhatsApp from an unknown number — photos of a beautiful young girl. They were photos taken in many different poses in different beautiful places. I was confused as to who it might be. The face seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t be completely sure who it could be. I didn’t have to wait long to learn the details. Revathi called me up. She now had a mobile phone. Her husband was now in Jaipur. “Have you seen the photos?” she asked. The voice betrayed anger. “I saw them but didn’t understand whose photos they were,” I replied honestly. “Sumit,” she continued, “now he says he is not gay. In five years, he has apparently realised that he has always wanted to be a woman. He had misunderstood that he was gay in haste. Now he says he is clear about what he wants in life. Therefore, from now on, he says he will live as a woman by undergoing an operation.”

Sometimes a person takes time to become aware of his sexuality. A lot of people who initially claim to be bisexual realise later that they are actually gay. Similarly, Sumit, who thought he was gay, has now come to the realisation that he is trans. As in the past, he had told his mom first and asked her to convey it to his dad, but this time there was no fear accompanying his confession. Sumit had already realised the power of his financial independence. He was no longer afraid of his father, as he lived independently of his parents. But he still had as much love for his mother. Where there is love, there will be sadness, anger, and possessiveness.

“Are you finding it difficult to tell your husband now or...” Revathi burst out before I could even finish my question: “Tell me what his mistake is in this? Did he not show his large-heartedness by accepting that our son is gay? We thought that he would live with a semblance of normalcy in society, dressed like a man. He is crossing all boundaries. It was a mistake that we had been so liberal with him earlier. Now I feel there must have been something wrong with the way I brought him up. If he wears a saree to work in the Navy, would it be accepted? Who will make him understand? When he comes home this time, I will give him two tight slaps to bring him back to the right track,” she went on, unburdening her distress. While Revathi’s husband believed that men were superior to women, Revathi, who is oppressed by him, feels that her son being ‘gay’ is superior to him being ‘trans’. Even though all human beings share the same blood, discrimination based on gender and sexuality is embedded in all of us in some form. We act as if we cannot go through life without imagining some form of discrimination in this beautiful world. We are eager to force a comparison between the flowers blooming on the same vine.

(Vasudhendra is Kannada literature’s first openly gay writer and often says that he is “neither left nor right and not even straight”. The text has been translated by Kamalakar Bhat, a noted Kannada poet who has worked extensively in translation.)