An alcoholic’s road to recovery

A s a young adult, I was repulsed by alcohol. I thought of alcoholics as wretched souls who stole money, got beaten up by the police, and harassed their wives and children. I was intelligent and educated, hailed as ‘an ideal son’. I would have never imagined that a few years down the line, I would find myself in the grip of the very vice I loathed.

I first tasted liquor at 22. I had graduated with a degree in marketing management and just found a stable job. My financial security pushed me into delusions of superiority as I continued to look down on those addicted to alcohol. To me, enjoying a drink was nothing more than a reward when I accomplished something noteworthy.

I drank a second time six months later. It was after solving a problem in an internal audit in Hyderabad. Buoyed by professional success and encouraged by friends, the drinking sessions became more frequent — first once in three months, then once a month and finally every weekend. Life was going great. My friends would casually praise my drinking ‘capacity’. What made me drink? In hindsight, it was my need to overcome my inferiority complex, which I miraculously did when a few pegs were downed.

It is important to draw a line between social drinking, regular drinking, and alcoholism. Social drinkers enjoy a drink or two with company on rare occasions. Regular drinkers do it often but in measured proportions. Their lives are unhindered by alcohol. On the other hand, an alcoholic drinks even when he or she doesn’t want to. Instead of classifying it in terms of quantity or frequency of drinking, it is simply those who cannot resist the temptation of alcohol.

Such people eventually suffer disastrous health complications. Over the years, I had gone from the first two categories to the more dangerous third category. Things started going downhill when the excessive weekend drinking began to affect my work on weekdays. It was made worse by my increasing ‘capacity’ and a tendency to drift away from company and drink alone, in a futile attempt to cut my expenses. My reputation took a hit — the very friends who once loved my company started avoiding me.

Professional decline

The next casualty was my professional life. Liquor held such a sway over me that my work took a severe beating. I was the only one with access to the managing director’s (MD) chamber. I would sneak in, find his bottles of imported liquor and drink it in small quantities using syringes that I would carry with me.

Taking note of my problems, the MD suggested I consult a doctor. I disregarded his advice, pretending all was well. I eventually lost my job. Unaware of my condition and still high in confidence, I entered the hardware delivery business. The job involved procuring material from foreign sources and supplying them to software companies.

Though I enjoyed initial success, my alcoholism ensured my bliss was short-lived. I had lost touch with reality to such an extent that I would rejoice at a mere enquiry as if it were a settled order. In the process, I drank so hard that I forgot to follow up on the enquiries. On several occasions, incompetence also led to delayed supply, leading to penalties. Before I could realise it, things went south
here too.

Disturbed family life

The biggest victims of this saga were my mother and wife. Within a couple of days of our marriage, my wife realised I was a full-blown alcoholic. Despite the shock, she was rock-solid in her support. She left no stone unturned in trying to help me come out of the condition. She took me to temples, sent me on a pilgrimage to Sabarimala, and accompanied me on visits to physicians and psychiatrists. I was unknowingly given tablets mixed with my food. Nothing helped. My mother even made me drink horse urine, as she had been told it had helped cure many alcoholics. That didn’t work either.

I wanted to quit alcohol but simply could not. Years went by when I would drink heavily on December 31 hoping to give up and start the new year as a sober man. This never happened. “No worries, I will give up next year,” I used to think! 

As my wife had cut ties with her family following our inter-faith marriage, I troubled her further, well aware I was her only option. In 2011, she introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), a fellowship of like-minded individuals who have given up drinking or are working towards it. Though I would pass by their centre at Vasanth Nagar in Bengaluru every day, I lacked the courage to step in and talk about my “condition”. I ill-treated my mother too. The two women in my life were growing tired of me. My physical and mental health was worsening. A doctor said I was not far from liver cirrhosis, and I even contemplated suicide.

The eventful day

By 2013, I had been drinking heavily for at least 15 years. It all came to a head on January 17, 2013, a day after Pongal. I had a vicious fight with my wife, roughed her up and smashed the TV. When I woke up, still quite hungover, I could see my wife and mother packing up and getting ready to leave. “I would rather work as a housemaid and take care of my daughter-in-law than stay with you,” my mother said. My wife seemed equally determined to move out. I was devastated and pleaded with them for a final chance. They called AA, and thus began my rehabilitation journey.

My memories are fresh. At 9.30 am on January 17, 2013, I entered the same centre of AA in Vasanth Nagar where I am speaking with this young journalist recording my story. I met an AA member and a former alcoholic who got introduced as such. The moment I learnt he wasn’t a doctor, I got up to leave as my repugnance for alcoholics was intact, notwithstanding my own uncontrolled, compulsive drinking.

I was requested to stay and answer 20 questions as part of a questionnaire drafted by Johns Hopkins University, Baltimore, USA. The questions ranged from whether alcohol had caused professional decline, whether it was a daily habit, and whether it had caused fissures in marital life. It required honest answers for an objective assessment. According to their guidelines, those who answered three of 20 questions in the affirmative were alcoholics — my count was 19/20. This was a tight slap that proved beyond doubt that I needed help.

Decisive incident

My wife and mother were then instructed to take me home, make me eat something like oats and then attend an AA meeting in the evening. It turned out to be a rehabilitated alcoholic’s ‘birthday’. He had quit drinking exactly 13 years ago. I eventually discovered that this was a special occasion in AA. Recovering alcoholics would celebrate the anniversary of their return to sobriety in style — to provide the much-needed motivation to themselves and to others to keep going.

The story moved me. He recounted a heart-rending incident between him and his wife that made him give up drinking. Even after I returned home, I kept thinking about it. I realised that I too might be left with nothing but alcohol if I continued on the path I was on. This was probably what strengthened my resolve to keep fighting, but physically it was far from easy. This is where the time-tested methods of AA were useful.

Founded in US

AA is a non-commercial organisation where the only prerequisite for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Founded in 1935 in the USA, it has now extended to 184 countries and has lakhs of members. AA firmly believes that drinking is a disease. Its basic principle is that only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholic and that liquor has to be confronted every day. Each recovering alcoholic in AA aspires to stay sober for just one day at a time.

We have a group of sponsors who guide us through the 12 steps of AA. The philosophical cornerstone of the fellowship is that we are all powerless over alcohol, and only a power above us can help us through it. This was key to my recovery since I started understanding the psychology behind addiction. In the words of Dr William D Silkworth, the medical benefactor of AA, “Action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of allergy.” This means the drink stimulates a chain reaction, urging the alcoholic to keep drinking. I started attending the hour-long meeting of AA daily. We would read some AA literature for a few minutes and then all participants would speak about their life before alcohol, how things worsened with it, and how it changed for the better after they quit. Such meetings are held every day at 150 centres (in churches, schools and colleges) across Bengaluru. I would visit the centre most convenient to me.

There are some things an alcoholic can never make public. However, they share these details with other drinkers. In such discussions, everyone opens up, even about their darkest secrets. This is important for two reasons. Firstly, it helps the person feel he or she is not alone. Secondly, it also acts as a warning to anyone who might be on the verge of a relapse.

Physically, the compulsion was hard to resist. For a week or so, I took gastric tablets since the lack of alcohol made it difficult to eat even simple food like idli. On umpteen occasions, my body almost pushed me into a relapse. My promise to my mother and wife was the only thing that kept me going. Those under rehabilitation are advised to stay away from drinking buddies as that is the most common setting for a relapse. My friends have often tried to entice me. They have goaded me to simply keep them company while they drank. They have also called me a coward when I declined. But till date, I have religiously followed the rule. A few months into AA, even my family felt I had recovered enough not to need it anymore. It has been 10 years and I still attend AA meetings every day. I believe it is a lifelong struggle and one cannot afford a slip. My success is not a fluke. According to an AA survey of 6,000 members in 2014, 49% had stayed away from drinking for five years or more.

Grateful to family

Such was my luck that, though the doctors had ruled it out, within a year into AA, I became a father. Today, at age 47, I have two children and lead a normal life. I am now a successful entrepreneur. I thank my mother and wife for it. I had been inhuman towards my family when I was under the influence. Now, I spend my days trying to make amends.

Recently, my family and I spent a few days at a resort near Balmuri Falls, not too far from Mysuru. There was a pub and a restaurant attached to it. While watching my kids play, I overheard my mother and wife talking. They were discussing how grateful they were to AA as it had brought me back from the brink. I was overjoyed to hear this. While they may forgive me, I understand if they can’t forget everything. As for me, I am confident about stretching my sobriety and hope time heals all wounds!  

(As told to Sujay B M)