Don't let lockdown ruin relationships

Avoid engaging in conflicts with family members, pointing out character flaws or raking up past issues during this time

As we spend day after day in close proximity with our family members and partners, that too in confined quarters, it is quite likely that we have started to get on each other’s nerves. While this is along expected lines given what we are going through, we need to take some steps to come out of self-quarantine with our relationships intact.

“Being quarantined at home can give rise to a multitude of emotions such as anxiety, frustration, irritation, anger or just feeling overwhelmed,” points out Akshita Hariharan, consultant clinical psychologist, Vikram Hospital, adding that it is important to keep in mind that it takes time for anyone to adjust to sudden changes in routine, and it will take some communication and conversation to figure out how to handle it in the best possible way.

Akshita lists out some ways in which you can reduce confrontation and conflict in your families.

Communicate, not criticise

It’s important to communicate openly and focus on the solution and not who is responsible for the problem or point out character flaws. For example, if someone in the family has to make many calls related to their work and ends up talking loudly, it is important to address the problem in a way that does not make them defensive. So instead of saying ‘You always do this’, try giving them solutions; such as ‘Can you step aside to finish the call?’

Focusing on the solution tends to help the other person also understand what they can do, and at the same time, not feel targeted.

Take time out

If there is a tendency for arguments to heat up, take time out — pause the discussion for 10 to 15 minutes, during which each member can calm themselves down. Then engage with each other to figure out an appropriate solution.

Reduce triggers

Each person is, to a certain extent, aware of what are the triggers for conflict or argument; reduce them or deviate through them. For example, if the household is highly conflictual, try to engage in discussions that are neutral. Don’t just talk about the news or the next update because that can increase the anxiety levels of the whole household.

Understand that the other person is anxious too

Most people are used to going to work and then coming back to deal with their family members for a very limited time during the day. It’s important for them to understand that even the family members are going through an extremely stressful time.

They are also going to have significant feelings of uncertainty and disruption to routine so listening to their experiences and validating their thoughts and emotions can help.

Focus on current conflict

Address the latest issue and avoid trying to deal with long-standing patterns. A lot of times conflicts lead to raking up past problems or statements. Right now, one of you can’t even walk out or take a long break. So it is important to choose to address such problems a little later.

Create a daily routine

Research shows that a lack of routine or structure on a day-to-day basis can lead to arguments or conflicts, even if the relationship dynamic is healthy.

So it is important to create a daily routine; this would include setting aside time for leisure, for watching television or using devices, meals and sleep.

Especially parents with children need to divide responsibilities among themselves. Such couples should constantly change the role each one is taking on. Creating a flexibility, in terms of chore allocation or dealing with the kids, tends to improve partner’s satisfaction and helps them understand how to deal with the children better.

Engage in self-care and me-time

For every individual to at least lower the chances of conflict, it is important for them to take some time for self-care and exercise.

Teach technology to the elderly

For the elderly in the household, this has created a significant disruption in their day-to-day routines, from simple acts like going out to buy milk or engaging in
chit chat or going for a walk in the evening.

The younger generation, that is tech savvy, can teach these people the ways in which they can communicate with family members who are living away.

They can help the older generation maintain an emotional connection even though social distancing is required.

Take this time to bond with family members

The lockdown might be a great opportunity to spend time with your family and especially children. "Often, working parents have a feeling of guilt of not spending enough time with their children; they can overcome that at this time," says Dr Mala Venugopal, psychologist and spiritual mentor, Prameya Health.

"Teach your children something new; maybe some indoor games or painting or even some old games like pagade, chowka baara, kavade aata which help improve math ability and hand-eye coordination. Both teaching and learning is satisfying and the bonds between the parent and the child will improve," she adds.

Since there is no tension about your morning commute or getting to office on time, why not engage in some fun activities, such as yoga or zumba, in the mornings, Mala says.

She also points out that it is natural to feel anxious and irritable during such times but it is important for the partner to be patient with such people, talk to them and divert their attention so they come out of such unpleasant thoughts.

"Connect with old friends or engage in spirituality. Remember there are a lot of people out there working to protect us so don't think of this situation as a punishment, instead use it as an opportunity for introspection," Mala advises.