Hook-up now means e-intimacy

The dating world has become virtual in the wake of the pandemic, and a lot happens over the phone. Caution: keep your eyes open to the potential dangers

In 2012, the arrival of Tinder and other dating apps changed the world of dating for many. They were touted as hookup apps as most users relied on them for short casual relationships.

Eight years later, people locked up at home have again turned to dating apps to make new connections. With the pandemic looming large, users are looking for companionship rather than physical relationships.

Conventional dating breaks almost every rule in the Covid-19 prevention rulebook: maintaining a distance of six feet and avoiding touch.

In a world where holding hands and kissing could potentially put you at risk of a deadly infection, there is not much room for those looking to hook up. So they are choosing to talk to the people they match with.

Old versus young
The way pandemic affects intimacy varies on the duration of the relationship and the age of the people involved.

“For older, married couples who have already faced stress in their lives, the pandemic does not affect the level of intimacy. They have already developed strategies that help them cope with stressful times. However, for younger, unmarried couples, the pandemic may itself have been a source of stress that may have contributed to increased levels of intimacy,” says Benson Rajan, assistant professor, Jindal School of Journalism and Communication.

A poll conducted by Monmouth University showed intimacy during the pandemic has either remained the same or increased positively for couples already in a relationship.

Need for emotional intimacy
The scene is different for singles. Those who used dating apps earlier to engage in casual relationships may now turn to sources of emotional intimacy.

“Undeniably, a major factor in the change is the spread of the virus and the dangers that casual encounters entail. However, similar to couples that turn to their partners for stability during stressful times, single individuals seek a stable partner to address their need for emotional intimacy in uncertain times,” he explains.

Take, for example, Anne Mathew, law student, has been using dating apps for two years to meet men. “If I match with someone and we end up having a good conversation, we meet for a date. We might see each other for a while, until things fizzle out,” she says.

She says she has never dated anyone exclusively as she doesn’t have the time for a committed relationship.

The lockdown has changed her approach to dating. Meeting at pubs over dinner and drinks has been replaced by online dates.

“While I have never hooked up with anyone I can’t hold a conversation with, I have never let those conversations get too deep or personal. However, that has not been the case these past few months,” she says.

The pandemic has left many feeling vulnerable, and encouraged them to share more about themselves.

“I matched with someone in early March and he told me what terrifies him about getting the infection is that his dog would be all alone. This got us talking about other fears, and I ended up sharing some things I have never told anyone,” she says.

While the romantic aspect diminished, thanks to their busy schedules, they have remained friends. “We still talk and I am excited to meet him when things calm down. In the pre-pandemic world we would have met a few times and then forgotten each other. But, now I have a friend I never knew I needed,” she adds.

However, for Tamannah K and Denny Thomas the lockdown has marked the start of what could be a happily-ever-after. The two matched in April and were soon smitten with each other.

“We both live alone, so we try to keep each other company through video calls. We talk to each other throughout the day and try to do things like watching a movie or some series. We have to coordinate and press play together so that neither is lagging behind,” says Tamannah. They are just waiting to meet for the first time before they can become an exclusive couple, she says.

Contactless sex
However, the pandemic has not killed the urge to be intimate. Many who spoke to Metrolife said they were sexting, and having phone and even webcam sex during this period.

Phone sex is recommended as a way to remain sexually active during the pandemic, says Benson. While it has always been prevalent in both casual and long-term relationships, what has changed is the conversation.

Portals such as Healthline to which people turn to for medical advice now suggest phone sex as an alternative to stay sexually active during the pandemic. Conversations around digital sex and masturbation were considered taboo and now, government agencies in several countries such as the US and the Netherlands are officially recommending it.

“It appears that phone sex and video-sex have now become the primary means of sexual intimacy. Where physical intimacy was the preferred method, digital sexual intimacy seems to have taken the upper hand,” he adds.

Abhishek (name changed) says he has been sexting and having phone sex with a girl since the beginning of May. “I would not be comfortable doing this with a stranger. We have known each other through common friends. We got intimate a few months ago after a party and we have flirted with each other on-and-off since. By the end of April, I was feeling very frustrated so I asked her if she would be interested,” he says.

But not all stories have happy endings. Sarah Paul, architect based in Cox Town, says a boy she matched with immediately asked her to send “fap worthy photos” – a reference to explicit images one can masturbate to.

“I was so shaken. It was 11 in the morning! I understand that sexting may be your only outlet, but at least try a gentler approach,” she says.

The anonymity that an online identity affords plays a major role in allowing such behaviour.

“The perpetrators of online sexual abuse can hide their identities and do not have to be vulnerable or keep up their status. The pandemic has also created a whole new world where digital methods of communication and intimacy have now become central to daily life. Individuals who refrained from physical sexual exploitation strictly because of the laws have been able to find loopholes in cyber and digital laws,” says Benson. The pandemic has thus increased the necessity for drafting safety measures to guide online activity.

Those who don’t find digital intimacy appealing are waiting for the pandemic to end to resume their dating life.

However, they plan to proceed with caution. “It would be reckless to stick to your old ways. You have to change the way you navigate your hookups,” says Arunima Banerjee, corporate professional.

Previously, she had no qualms in initiating a kiss on the first date, choosing to wait a few meetings before having sex. Now, she says, she would avoid even kissing someone until she is able to assess their hygiene standards and social life.

Profiles are easy to fake
Akancha Srivastava, founder, Akancha Against Harassment, says it is important to realise that it is extremely easy to create a fake profile.
Her pan-India organisation works towards preventing cyber crimes and providing counselling and help for victims.
“When you have not met the person you are talking to, you have to work with a pinch of scepticism,” she says. Avoid sharing personal information such as address, and details about family and friends.
Since meeting new people is not advised at the moment, take the time to get to know the person. “Feel free to ask for details such as where they work, the kind of friends they have or anything else that will allow you to get a sense of who they are,” she explains.
Those getting on a video call should make it a point to not reveal much of their interiors or the location of their homes. “At the end of the day, your safety is your responsibility. Always err on the side of caution,” she says.

Pandemic-sensitive apps
Many dating apps put out features to adapt to the new world. Tinder rolled out its ‘passport’ feature that allows users to search for matches by city or by dropping a pin on to any point on the map. This was earlier a paid feature.
OkCupid introduced a question, “Does coronavirus affect your dating life?” to user’s dating profiles.
Bumble expanded its distance filters to allow users to connect with anyone in the country. It even tied up with Airbnb to allow people to enjoy virtual experiences from across the world.

Real problems
While indulging in sexting or phone sex is a personal choice, it is important to remember that blackmail, threats and revenge porn are very real problems.
“Even if the person you share these things with doesn't use it against you, data can be hacked. Anything you do in front of the camera can be used against you. If you feel like that is something you can live with, then, go ahead,” she says.
However, if someone were to harangue you for intimate photos, then block the user and report them on the platform. “If you are really hoping for action against the harasser, you will have to be ready to invest your time and effort,” she says.