Women discuss joys of singledom

A panel titled ‘Happily Unmarried’ debunks myths and suggests ways to find meaningful relationships

Three women on Sunday shared their experiences of being single and happy.

“You’re never really alone in India because you are constantly surrounded by people,” said journalist Kalpana Sharma, in conversation with writer Nisha Susan, journalist Sharda Ugra, and Latha Reddy, former Deputy National Security Advisor of India.

The session was part of a day-long Women’s Day event hosted by Bangalore International Centre, Domlur. It was titled ‘Dismantling Stereotypes for an Equal Future’ and featured exhibitions, discussions, and workshops.

Titled ‘Happily Unmarried,’ the session revolved around the lives of women who chose to remain unmarried despite societal pressure. The three participants spoke about fielding absurd questions and forming meaningful relationships.

“A single woman is often looked at as a different species. This is usually not because of malice but because of social conditioning,” Latha said.

“Even after all these years, my friends still try to set me up with single men in our circle,” Sharda said. Single women run into unexpected hurdles. Sharda recalled a trip to Australia and how she was not allowed to visit some iconic landmarks.

“Although I was willing to pay the entire amount, they insisted I have a companion. I suppose they preferred earning nothing over letting one person visit alone,” she said.

Some annoyances

Choosing to stay unattached comes with its fair share of annoyances, and the panellists agreed singledom was mostly a product of privilege. In fact, ‘Single by Choice,’ the anthology of essays that inspired the discussion, features metropolitan, financially independent women with supportive families.

The only exception, Kalpana says, is a Dalit woman from Tamil Nadu called Bamma. “Women like Bamma rarely have a choice; they are often married off, especially if the family is economically weak,” she explained.

According to Sharda, representation of single women in media is accompanied by what she calls the ‘Alone Monster’: the woman is either a wild child or one miserable due to her perceived loneliness.

“I for one do not find it disconcerting to be alone, because I am bloody good company,” Latha exclaimed.

Men cry too

“When one speaks about child abuse, people immediately think of the girl child...it is surprisingly difficult to get people to think about the harm to boys,” said child rights activist Atiya Bose during a panel discussion.

“There is no institutional recourse for young boys and men. They are supposed to take care of themselves by ‘toughening up,’” she explained.

The panel also comprised child psychiatrist Dr Shekhar Sheshadri and co-founder of the Blue Ribbon Movement Akshat Singhal, and was moderated by philanthropist Rohini Nilekani; the panel explored various conventions of masculinity and the idea of a ‘post-patriarchal’ world.

“We need to be able to give young boys a language to talk about violence and its different forms,” said Singhal.

The socialisation of children to act a certain way begins early on. Male children, for example, are made to think very young that they are more likely to be targeted if they show signs of weakness.

“We need to step back and look at pre-existing notions and structures,” said Dr Sheshadri. Schools need to function as spaces that challenge such notions.

Singhal believes communication is key. “Instead of creating a new language, we should build on and reform the languages that children are exposed to. This shift can help create spaces for conversation.” Also part of ‘Dismantling Stereotypes’ were art and photo exhibitions, documentary screenings, workshops, and a play.

Champaca Bookstore and Library’s pop-up stall featured literature and poetry readings by women.

An exhibition titled ‘Pathbreakers: The 20th Century Muslim Women of India,’ was among the main attractions on Sunday. Its objective is to refute stereotypes and show how Muslim women were freedom fighters, activists, and writers who rejected the purdah.

Also present was the travelling children’s bookshop, Funky Rainbow. Vidya Mani, editor and co-founder, conducted a workshop on feisty female protagonists in Indian children’s literature, while Shyam Madavan Sarada taught children the art of graffiti.

The day-long event began with singer and composer MD Pallavi performing vachanas written by female poets who were part of the Sharana movement of the 12th century.

New podcast show

A team had set up a recording booth for women to share stories on a podcast. Its show, called City of Women, focuses on experiences of women living in Bengaluru, and was launched on Saturday.

“We wanted to produce a show that felt local. We wanted to focus on positive stories as opposed to the usual mournful tone that women can be portrayed in,” said Samyuktha Varma, co-founder of Vaaka Media, and one of the hosts of the show.

The podcast can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and other major streaming platforms from April 2020.