Mind the misogynists

They are prolific. On social media, at family gatherings, in conference rooms, at gyms, in supermarkets… How do you deal with misogynists? With courage and a dash of humour, writes Jisha Krishnan

Misogyny (Noun): Dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.

— Oxford English Dictionary

I recently came across this fascinating photograph online in The New York Times that showed customers at a famed pub responding to one of the first women to drink at the watering hole after the city passed a new anti-discrimination law. Lucy Komisar was booed by customers and someone even dumped a beer on her head! This was August 1970.

A woman in a man’s world

Being a woman in a man’s world is not any easier in 2019. Of course, we can walk into a pub and order our drink, without being booed or dunked in beer, but the popular mindsets are still far from inspiring. Misogyny reigns supreme.

“It’s just another fancy term for sexism, right?” asks a well-read friend, when I ask him what misogyny means. In her book Down Girl – The Logic of Misogyny, Professor Kate Manne defines misogyny as “the law enforcement branch of patriarchy. It’s the law that polices and punishes women who transgress or threaten dominant men.”

Research shows that when a woman is perceived to be competent, contends the philosophy professor, people will decide she’s unlikable. However, if she’s likable, they’ll decide she isn’t as competent. It’s a ‘lose-lose situation’!

So, how do we, 21st-century women (and men), deal with misogyny? First, by acknowledging that not all men are misogynists. Second, by admitting that some women have internalised misogyny and are now perpetrators of the same. And finally, by waking up to the fact that misogyny manifests itself in varying degrees of subtlety and the best way to stop it is to stand up to the misogynists.

Here’s looking at five common types of misogynists we encounter every day:

The entertainer

They laugh the loudest at WhatsApp jokes propagating casual gender stereotyping. They accuse you of lacking a sense of humour, if you don’t show the same mirth. “Don’t be such a prude!” they admonish those who cringe at the innate misogyny in Bollywood hits like Pyaar Ka Punchnama. Isn’t it hilarious to watch all those tender-hearted men fall for such conniving, heartless women?

“Try redirecting the joke at them and you’ll see all the fun disappear,” notes Radhika Sahni, a marketing professional, who claims to have “mastered the art of spotting a misogynist in no time.” The most effective way of dealing with ‘the entertainer’ is to give him a taste of his own medicine, says Radhika. Remember that misogyny is not inbuilt, but learned.

The intellectual

They are convinced that men are better suited for certain tasks than women. Despite claims of love and respect for women, they are staunch believers in the inherently emotional nature of womankind — that explains the female need for outbursts, frequent mood swings, and biological inability to handle professional power.

“Thanks to widespread unconscious biases and cultural gender stereotypes, a lot of people mistake uninformed opinions for scientific facts,” rues Namrata Kapoor, a legal consultant. The golden rule of dealing with ‘the intellectual’ misogynist, she avers, is to not allow him/her to make you feel undermined. “Stay calm and use logic — not emotion — to make your point. It helps to throw in some random studies and numbers,” she adds.

Here’s a gem from David D Gilmore’s captivating book Misogyny: The Male Malady: These deep and abiding male anxieties, he argues, “stem from unresolved conflicts between men’s intense need for and dependence upon women and their equally intense fear of that dependence.”

The offensive misogynists’ loathing for women dates back to Eve, the evil one who singularly caused the downfall of humanity!

The moral police

Did you see that viral video with the hashtag #AuntyjiApologise on social media recently? It showed a middle-aged Indian woman censuring a younger woman for wearing ‘short’ clothes and ‘inviting’ rape. The moral police have strong views on how women ought to dress, talk, behave. Their job is to police women, keep them in their place, and ensure that the status quo is maintained. All for the good of society, including women, they claim. Dealing with the moral police can be tricky. As the viral video made so ironically obvious when some women started to body-shame the misogynist. “The need to be socially and morally superior to others comes with its own challenges. It needs to be tackled with tact. Tit for tat is not a healthy approach,” cautions Rohan D’Silva, a media professional, who is wary of the (overt and covert) messages youngsters get over social media.

The ‘nice’ guy

Some people are simply not aware of their misogyny. If you point it out to them, chances are that they’ll get offended. Ask Archana Tomar, an entrepreneur, who loves going on solo bike rides. “I get so much unsolicited advice from acquaintances and even strangers… often they don’t even realise how patronising they are,” she sighs. Most women learn to grin and bear with it. However, Archana’s experience has taught her that it’s better to address the issue. “Say it. Don’t bite your tongue. Sometimes, I smile and ask the (often well-meaning) person what gave them the impression that I was a damsel in distress. If an honest conversation can help someone rethink the way they look at women, it’s worth the effort,” she notes. Do what it takes to keep mansplaining (men explaining something in a patronising way to women, who may know more about the subject) in check.

The offensive

They are the most brazen and unapologetic of the lot. Think Donald Trump. Someone actually called the US President “misogynist in chief” in a tweet that went viral last year.

The offensive misogynists’ loathing for women dates back to Eve, the evil one who singularly caused the downfall of humanity! There’s just no winning with the offensive misogynist. He is the master of the universe and we, mere mortals, are expected to endure our designated destiny. “When a man gives his opinion,” said yesteryear Hollywood actor Bette Davis, “he’s a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she’s a bitch.”

“I think there’s great power in humour. Look at all those Trump memes. It may not stop him from saying the awful things he says, but why should that stop us from saying what we ought to?” urges Radhika, the master misogynist spotter. Watch out for misandry, though. The hatred, fear, or strong prejudice against men is not the solution.