Coping with a loss during the time of Covid-19

In December 2019, thin whispers were going around the world of a virus Covid-19, killing people in Wuhan, a city in Hubei Province of China. In just a few months, at the time of writing this piece, Covid 19 has affected tens of million of people. It has also created unprecedented economic disaster, brought the world to its knees and steeped it in individual and collective grief. What has stood out, however, is the astounding ability of humanity to survive in the face of death. This story is not about Covid-19. It is about my own traumatic encounter with grief and how I dealt with it. It might hold out hope.

Just weeks before Covid-19 broke the world, my husband died suddenly of a cardiac arrest. Amidst a harsh, isolating lockdown, I was left bereft of support systems. My battle with grief did not follow the classic five stages described by Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and widely accepted, that is, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Instead it was one or the other; it was none or all together. One day I felt I could take on the world and the next, I did not get out of bed. As time went on, I learnt that my feelings were not abnormal or self-indulgent.

It began with understanding grief. Dr Aravind Sheshadri, Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist, with specialisation in rehabilitation and recovery, says, “Grief is a normal response to personal loss and an exit event that is a part of life. There is no abnormal grief reaction and grief issues normally resolve their natural course.”

Kannika Iyengar, Director, Sneha Society for Counselling, Bengaluru, a counsellor with 10 years of experience adds, “Grief can also be caused by job loss or difficult relationships resulting in equally intense emotional and physical distress. A counsellor can help achieve acceptance if not complete resolution.”

My own quest for help began with confusion. I did not know whether I needed a psychiatrist, psychologist or lay counsellor. A Google search threw up an array of bewildering options, mostly for counsellors, some costing ₹ 3000/- per hour. One site even advertised the top 10 counsellors in India. At another end was a clutch of voluntary organisations offering free services. It did not help that India faces a dearth of mental healthcare providers. “Number of psychiatrists in India: Baby steps forward, but a long way to go”, a paper published in the Indian Journal of Psychiatry in 2019 says, “…the number of psychiatrists in India currently is about 9000. India has 0.75 Psychiatrists per 100,000 populations, while the desirable number is anything above 3 Psychiatrists.” This indicates that we are currently short of 27,000 Psychiatrists (per 100,000 population).

I struggled long and hard to find help but it can be easier. A clinical psychologist (name withheld by request) says, “People who need help fear stigma are unaware of where to go. Even a family physician can identify cases that need counselling and or medication and make a referral. This calls for good coordination between physicians, psychologists and counsellors.”

My story had a happy ending and over time I understood that death is but a moment and life is the real journey. But I’m left with the feeling that something as important as this must not be left to chance. There is an urgent need to assess our resources and compile a reliable data base of affordable and credible mental healthcare providers. It is also important to publicise it aggressively. There is little time to waste.