New ways of grieving, mourning

There is probably no person left in India who has not lost a family member, colleague or a friend in the last two months. Over time, all that we do is leave an Om Shanti or a RIP message on a social media platform and move on, till those words seem to have lost their meaning and significance.

Grief has become disenfranchised and nothing has prepared us for this form of grief where goodbyes are fleeting, there are no traditional mourning rituals, no closure and no remembrances. Just as we have dealt with one loss, another one happens and then another, till the mind unable to fathom this enormity of emotions, becomes numb.

Mourning has always been a community affair with different religions having their own unique ways of handling loss, bereavement and grief. One common theme in all ways of mourning, be it religious or non-religious, is of bringing family and friends together to honour and remember the bereaved person, to finding continuity between life, death and beyond and being able to start the journey towards the acceptance of loss.

The sharing of memories by different people, the awareness that the person’s life was meaningful and touched all those who came in contact with them helps in reminiscing and celebrating the lost person in the presence of others. The lighting of the lamp, laying of flowers and wreaths, sprinkling of mud on the grave and the prayer meeting are symbols of respect and dignity.

Grief resolution processes encompass the physical, social and psychological dimensions of individual loss as well as a connection to spiritual beliefs, family networks, and cultural practices. While death itself usually cannot be predicted, the cultural and religious rituals associated with it have always been familiar and comforting.

With Covid-19, all that has been lost. In its place, is an isolating and dehumanising experience without family and friends being around. Many people have had to deal with multiple losses, while for most, there have been no final closures or goodbyes and the utter helplessness of not being able to give their loved one a dignified death.

A wife mentioned how she had to carry the wood to light her husband’s pyre in the heat of Delhi summer all by herself as there were only two others with her. A daughter mentioned that being tested positive for infection, her father’s cremation was performed by strangers while her brother and she were in isolation. Then there is guilt at not being able to do enough, anger at the system, at the virus and at the unfairness of it all. We can’t even say – Why Me any longer. It is – Why Us or Why This? Here lies the connection between individual grief and collective grief. As a country we are handling the enormous burden of collective grief without any new methods or solutions to collective mourning.

Group memorials

How can we mourn together, with each other, in solidarity? Should there be private memorials or group memorials for the departed? Could we create Covid memorial gardens and plant a sapling in the departed soul’s name, or have a day to remember all those who lost their lives to this horrific pandemic? Should there be a national mourning?

With social distancing as a new lifestyle now, in-person group mournings may be impossible. Should we consider innovative ways of mourning using online and virtual ways? There can be mourning by Whatsapp groups or Zoom or whatever method. The rudalis and shyapas can also be held online. Social media will become the social support and replace in-person social gatherings for the purpose of mourning and many other group activities. Families are calling up priests on a Whatsapp call to complete the last rites, handling of the ashes and funeral functions. Death related ritualistic feasting can also be thought of by food delivery methods. Religious leaders can suggest more alternatives.

Other methods of expressing collective grief without people gathering is through `eulogy websites’ – one could light a virtual lamp, shower flowers, lay a wreath, light a virtual agarbatti, or leave a message or any other words of solace and peace. Youngsters and children could write a letter to their parents or grandparents on these websites. The rituals surrounding death can be performed by newer ways that are feasible. Nothing stops everything.

The role of health professionals, including mental health professionals, and counsellors is to acknowledge the limitations of the current situation, which may even become, a permanent feature. Like new ways of working and living in the new normal, one should explore new ways of grieving and mourning. Viktor Frankl, psychiatrist and the author of Man’s Search Meaning said – “Finding a meaning is a good way to mitigate suffering”. However, finding a meaning to this calamity seems distant, and one wonders, if we would ever find it; till then this suffering of grief will continue to torment us.

(Chandra is Professor of Psychiatry and Chaturvedi is Ex-Dean and Retired Senior Professor of Psychiatry, Nimhans, Bengaluru)