No more pointless debates. Talk about intimate partner violence

NCRB 2021 report on crime, show that there were 428,278 cases of crimes against women reported in 2021. This is a 15.3% increase from the previous year

Recently, I fell down a YouTube rabbit hole and started watching this old stand-up video where Donald Glover went on a rant about relationships and 'crazy' ex-girlfriends. He then asked the audience how come women don't have 'crazy man' stories, and promptly pointed out that the 'crazy man' kills his girlfriend or puts her in a wheelchair. This evoked a laugh from the audience, but for me, it highlighted an uncomfortable truth about the prevalence of intimate partner violence (IPV).

In recent months, several murders have made headlines across India. Megha Torvi's body was found in a bed box in Maharashtra. Nikki Yadav was reported murdered a few days prior. A 28-year-old woman died in a fire in Rohini. In November, television was consumed with news of Shraddha Walkar's murder. These incidents are not isolated acts of violence, but are linked by a common factor: the prime suspect in each case is the live-in partner of the victim.

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Instead of dealing with the rampancy of IPV, we made the words ‘live-in’ and ‘love-jihad’ trend on Twitter.

On various social and mainstream media platforms, the news of their untimely deaths was followed by a deluge of victim-blaming comments, and regressive conversations. These were based on the social stigma attached to being in a live-in relationship that is not sanctioned by the dominant societal institution of marriage. Not just media platforms, even a Union Minister decided to blame live-in relationships as the cause of IPV.

Furthermore, it is concerning to observe that Walkar's murder was attributed to ‘love jihad’, which is false, and a baseless narrative that is far removed from reality. There is no data or evidence to support such a claim, and propagating such a narrative can lead to further stigmatisation.

The data we have is the National Crime Records Bureau's 2021 report on crime in India. According to it, there were 428,278 cases of crimes against women reported in 2021. This is a 15.3 per cent increase from the previous year. These are just the reported numbers.

Victim blaming is deeply ingrained in society, and is perpetuated by cultural norms that place a high value on women's ‘purity’ and chastity. IPV survivors who are labelled as ‘loose’ or ‘immoral’ are often blamed for the abuse inflicted on them, even by family members, and friends. This is despite no correlation between a woman's behaviour or clothing and her likelihood of being a IPV victim.

This culture of victim-blaming also extends to the criminal justice system. Because of fear of retaliation, stigma, and a lack of support, many survivors are hesitant to report the abuse to the police. When survivors do come forward, they are often met with scepticism and blame rather than empathy and support. This can further discourage others from coming forward.

There should have been a public discussion about how to create support systems for IPV cases, how to get justice for survivors, and taking a proactive approach to preventing violence against women in general. There could also be a discourse on the abuse of power in relationships, and the importance of creating a more equitable gender dynamic. Instead, we have gone on a frenzy about analysing the victim's morality.

Victim-blaming and fabricating false narratives result in a situation in which survivors and victims bear the brunt of the violence, despite the fact that they are already vulnerable. As a society, we haven't normalised conversations that allow us to identify toxic and abusive relationships; instead, victims and survivors are at the mercy of perpetrators who know what they're doing.

The murders of Walkar, Yadav, and Torvi highlight the urgent need to address IPV. Unfortunately, their deaths have been overshadowed by pointless discussions about live-in relationships, and communal dynamics. This discourse has only added insult to injury, further dehumanising them.

Every day, and especially on International Women’s Day, it is crucial for us to recognise the harm that has been done, and shift the conversation to where it should be: on the rampant prevalence of intimate partner violence.

(Mahika Banerji works with Oxfam India.)

(Disclaimer: The views expressed above are the author's own. They do not necessarily reflect the views of DH.)