The urban love factor

In today's world, the term 'soulmate' has become more complex than ever and the emotion which we call 'love' is being perceived in varied ways. It often clashes with our understanding of 'love'.

Some mainstream Bollywood movies play an important role in deciphering love which is far removed from reality.

A girl who tells her boyfriend about a guy who has a crush on her expects a jealous reaction. For her, this jealousy is a vital part of love.

Today, finding partners may have become much easier. However, when the question is about integrity, commitment and longevity in a relationship, easy solutions like online dating do not always translate into success stories. Hence finding a reliable partner, even in a tech-savvy generation, is not easy.

Facets of Love

While initiating a relationship, what are the attributes one generally looks for in a partner?

In an urban society, the meaning of a relationship has evolved. Previously, dominance in a relationship by either of the partners seemed to be quite normal as the power arrangements are clear and one seems to be in charge. To some extent, these relationships used to work just fine except in cases where abuse takes over.

People who are not interested in getting married look for cohabitation to test their relationship. However, this does not guarantee a stable relationship.

The ideas of relationship in modern society are based on equality, mutuality and reciprocity. The perennial need to negotiate conflicts and basic needs on a regular basis requires emotional and communications skills in which not everyone is great at. So the daily conflict becomes exhausting with no feasible solution to resolve issues. Even congenial conflicts such as 'What to order for dinner?' becomes difficult further raising the question -- 'Do I need to stay with someone like this?'.

People change their attitudes, priorities, and desires quite frequently over time. Starting a relationship shouldn't be seen as an accomplishment. It should be an ongoing process of mutual understanding and collaboration. It is important to balance conflicts of love and hate uniformly.

The exigencies of a relationship

Should we give more importance to looks or smartness? Should we consider a wealthy partner over a non-wealthy one?

When it comes to online dating, people often follow the checklist practice of focussing on good and bad qualities to find a good partner. The checklist practice is pretty much flawed as it excludes a candidate's kindness over smartness, or intelligence over money.

The superficial manner of considering traits such as beauty, elegance and wealth while choosing a partner is not rational as it can rule out the likelihood of recognising flaws in a person.

The love derived from it can be potent but not profound, it can be exciting but will lack in compatibility which is required for a long-term relationship.

With the popularity of online dating on the rise, the search to find or build a connection has become much easier, but that doesn't mean it is helping everyone find love. Online dating can attest to the fact that we, human beings, are in constant need to get a support system, even if it is a virtual one, probably because one fails to establish a real-time social connection with people.

Psychologist Brad Benner states, “Mobile dating apps are a powerful expression of our desire to find community, friendship, chemistry, and love.”

In the name of 'Love'

Understanding love is not an easy task. Had it been easier, people won't have taken it to the internet search engine to find a satisfying answer to the question of what is love? Hence, before deciding to change the partner, it is important to introspect and see whether we are at fault.

When commitment is one's priority, one should be ready to respect your partner's likes and interests.

Love may not be the most important need in our life. Having a good-enough partner who can fulfil one's needs is enough to lead a happy life. An ideal relationship should be based on helping each other flourish.

Aaron Ben-Zeev, professor of philosophy and former president of the University of Haifa (Israel), aptly puts it this way: "Today’s romantic reality infuses us with the desire for great diversity but ultimately restricts flexibility."

The fact that we don't get everything that we want in life cannot be denied, so looking to change your partner cannot be a foolproof strike to get what you want. When a relationship fails, instead of giving up, one should analyse the situation and learn from it instead of surrendering to the moment.