2020 is nearly over and life as we know it seems to have changed forever. Now, the infamous ‘stay-at-home’ brain has set in — dates and days merging into one haze where one chore flows into another and there seems to be no end or beginning for 'office work'. Throw in a few Zoom meetings and your child's online classes and each day seems just like another. For those who have suffered pay cuts and job losses, the everyday struggle gets that much more difficult. But, something keeps us going. Is it some sort of an inbuilt resilience? Is it hope for the future? Or a mix of both?
Take the case of Wendy Kapadia. Before the pandemic (yes, there was such a time!), Wendy worked at a music academy in Bengaluru. She had a six-day week, got a decent salary, enjoyed meeting students and managing the academy’s Ulsoor Road branch. She bought a new car too. Life was looking good.
Then, a few months into the lockdown, Kapadia learnt she was being furloughed. Basically, it means an unpaid leave of absence, but technically, she no longer works for the company or gets a salary. The academy still exists, but classes are now online. Most branches are shut as students no longer need a physical space for lessons. Meaning, people like Kapadia have been suddenly set adrift.
Of course, Kapadia is not the only one who has been laid off during Covid times. But, she is also one of those who experiences every day, just how the pandemic has changed life as we know it. Her boyfriend works for an active wear brand at a store on Church Street. At work, he (initially) donned a face shield, mask, gloves, etc. It was mandatory for patrons who walked into the store to also wear a face mask, at the very least. “Otherwise, the store gets fined,” says Kapadia. Despite these precautions, Kapadia's boyfriend tested positive for the virus a while ago, during a regular health check at work. “He was asymptomatic and basically, got to stay home and relax for a bit," is how she puts it. Kapadia too fell ill, though doctors ruled out Covid in her case.
The job loss especially affected Kapadia profoundly. “I was destroyed for a couple of weeks and went into a shell, a very negative space.” she says. She found herself in a dark place — physically, mentally and emotionally.
A cruel year
For many, 2020 has been a cruel year. The aforementioned ‘stay-at-home’ brain has set in — a brain fog or fatigued existence, where days and dates become meaningless and merge into a never-ending cycle; where feeling trapped and disconnected from everyone around, is the new ‘normal’. And what’s more, this seems to be affecting everyone — from those who work full time or part time, those who don’t need to work and those faced with loss of work/income.
Rachna Bhatt* works in project management at a globally known retailer. Her husband Devdutt* works for another multinational company. “We don’t really have a ‘workday’ anymore. Work calls/client meetings go on at all hours. Sometimes, a Zoom meeting can go on for two hours or more. I feel I have no time to breathe,” she confesses. Their son is in class six and has online classes. “Every day, the three of us will be in different corners of the house, with our laptops,” she smiles wryly. The Bhatts’ daughter, in LKG, gets only worksheets from school. So, keeping her occupied, is another task. So is navigating her adolescent’s stormy emotions, getting him to study and stay active, every day.
But for Bhatt, taking time out seems difficult and even impossible, given that she is already working from home. “Not having to do the daily commute — from Cox Town to my office in Electronic City — is admittedly a huge relief,” she adds. Complaining about her life, when many others have lost their jobs and face uncertain livelihoods feels uncharitable, says Bhatt.
Complex emotions
A feeling of guilt too sets in, adding to the tumult of emotions already in play, every day. Bhatt is not the only one feeling and dealing with such complex emotions, every day. As families find themselves stuck together for extended periods of time, relationships are suddenly under a lot of strain.
As Mumbai-based psychiatrist and psychotherapist Dr Anjali Chhabria points out, it is more essential than ever to deal with anger, anxiety, uncertainty and fear, in a healthier, more open manner. “People are dealing with different kinds of psychological issues — from the fear of contracting the virus, to the panic when you get it, to worrying about loved ones getting it, to preventing them from getting out of the house. For example, the mother gets paranoid about her children getting the virus. So, she may stop them from going out. Living with in-laws can be fraught too — working women are still expected to do all the work, make hot, hot rotis; their young children also expect attention. This can lead to a lot of stress and strained relationships. In fact, there is more violence at home too,” she observes.
What’s more, because children and adolescents/teens are now feeling trapped at home, they really want space from their loved ones, want to connect with their peers and friends. Unfortunately, given that India is such a crowded country, there really is no way to ‘safely’ connect — with social distancing norms in place. Which is also why, reports of schools/colleges reopening become another source of stress for families, points out Dr Chhabria. “Sharing problems and fears with your family and loved ones is important. So, if you fear a loss in income, consider downgrading for now. Do you really need that new car or flat right now? Talk to your teen — maybe, he or she does not need that laptop right now. Maybe, they will have ideas on bringing in more income. But, talk about it openly, calmly; that is important.”
In fact, she is well aware how difficult it is to stay calm and keep working in the face of illness and fear. For she herself, her loved ones and even her domestic staff, have ended up contracting coronavirus at different points over the past few months. “We managed to nurse everyone back to health at home. Keeping calm and not panicking or overdoing things really helps. Finding a balance is also vital,” she adds.
New ways of thinking
Dr Chhabria’s advice to think differently is something Skanda Subramanya has already put into practice. While he feels life goes on despite everything, he also firmly believes that our way of living and thinking needs to change. Subramanya got married to Swati — a counsellor at Azim Premji University — at a very simple ceremony at home this October. Only their respective parents and some loved ones were present. Subramanya, who works in the field of education, says they both never wanted anything ostentatious. “We decided to treat the Covid situation (where it is impossible to hold large functions with extended family) as an opportunity and eventually, with some negotiation, our parents too came around to our way of thinking.”
He says this year is about finding opportunities rather than seeing obstacles everywhere. And it is essential to reconsider our way of life. “We cannot continue to take travel for granted. We will have to be cognisant of the fact that there could be more pandemics in the pipeline. I believe education itself has to be reimagined, for example. Parents will have a greater role to play in a child’s learning, hereafter. What’s more, health — both physical and mental — must be given more importance than career,” he stresses.
The strength within
Just like Subramanya, Kapadia too has brought new clarity to her thinking, and more importantly, found strength within herself. “Through all the darkness, I’ve always seemed to find light and that’s probably the biggest thing that happened to me this year. I realised just how much light I have inside me. The biggest discovery for me was understanding people and how naïve I can be about a lot of things. So, when I started understanding more about myself and my situation, I started becoming stronger. And that really helped me to begin to move on and make some decisions on what to do next. And this time, I knew I’d get back up, but on my terms and conditions.”
Kapadia has always been an animal lover and very active when it comes to feeding and nursing strays in her locality. Now, she pursues that interest through dog boarding. “It started with two dogs — Girly and Puppers. I call them my lockdown specials. One was an accident case and one was starving near my (old) workplace by Ulsoor. I took them home and soon noticed that on a daily basis, everyone at home was happier with the dogs around. Makes the energy at home better. And that’s when I thought of starting dog boarding — it’s something I do on a daily basis anyway!”
The good news is that her supportive family and friends now actively promote her dog boarding initiative via social media and other groups. So, Kapadia now has dogs to love and look after. “It’s been a learning experience and I get very attached to the dogs who come here. I think about them all the time and stay in touch with their owners.” And of course, doing what she loves and doing it for herself is the best part!
The pandemic may have brought with it the stay-at-home brain and various stresses, losses and fears into our daily lives. But, it has also shown very clearly that the resilient human spirit will always shine through the surrounding darkness.
*Some names have been changed for the sake of privacy.
Step back and re-examine
There have been many curveballs thrown at all of us this year. Here are some simple ways in which you can tackle them head on:
* Declutter or give away things you don’t need or use.
* Reconsider if you really want to invest in a new flat or car, right now.
* Simplify your life, or temporarily downgrade your style of living.
* Act on your strengths — if you love cooking/baking, consider becoming a home-baker.
* Explore all the possibilities — don’t let job loss bring you down.
* Find new ways to reconnect — many families have enlivened the year with online meet-ups, bingo and other game sessions. You can even consider online fitness sessions with the entire family participating if you can find someone within your circle to lead the way — in this manner, you not ensure a lot of bonhomie, but also can improve your overall wellbeing. In short, find ways to keep your spirits up.