When love is in the hair...

Mankind, and more particularly womankind, has been peering into mirrors and wishing there was more hair where there isn’t, and less hair where there is, writes Indu Balachandran

When the good Lord was creating the prototype for an invention called humans, He/She incorporated a tricky feature to keep humans permanently preoccupied through life: Hair. Ever since, mankind — and more particularly womankind, has been peering into mirrors and wishing there was more hair where there isn’t and less hair where there is. Early man viewed hair as a matter of male dominance. Growing wild on his head, body and most of his face, excess hair gave him macho, animal instincts in landing a mate. He went off clubbing, quite literally, and clobbered any gal that caught his fancy; dragging her to his cave home — usually by the hair — which was long and flowing in females. Early woman viewed hair as a good time pass and with a deft placement of small leftover bones after a feast, created the first stylish ways to hold the hair in place. One of these early women was the direct ancestor of Vidal Sassoon, who became famous for saying “Hair is another name for sex”.

As the centuries rolled on and artists created portraits, kings and queens always appeared to have a good hair day, though this may not be true of King Louis XIV, whose cascading curly locks looked pretty horrendous when I saw his painting in the Palace of Versailles. But our own gods and goddesses painted by Ravi Varma always had hair you could worship. While men tended to keep their hair shorter for convenience, what with them always running off to wars, women decided long, thick hair tended to attract princes, while also serving as a ladder for Rapunzel when she got lonely in her tower. But short hair attracted presidents; as Marilyn Monroe seductively proved, with her face-framing short blonde curls.

Then along came Vidal Sassoon with his scissors, and created the famous short bob, and fringe and Hollywood stars like Audrey Hepburn and Mia Farrow made it all the rage.

Meanwhile, a worldwide affliction was hitting both men and women: falling hair. A landmark study showed that hair fall was caused by worry. This immediately led to worrying about falling hair, and therefore more hair fall. While this conundrum pointed to the invention of hats, men genetically had a greater tendency to thinning hair than women. Balding men were finding they were using less shampoo and more face wash, as the face area extended alarmingly backwards. As jokes about receding hairlines started to wear thin, wigs were invented. And then a clever Hollywood star Yul Brynner shaved off his head completely and emerged hairless and rather hot looking. What an idea! This clean head became so fashionable and has sustained men for decades. But for the vast majority of humankind still craving for better hair, more hair, different hair, trendy hair — air and water pollution was leading to various disorders of the scalp. So the labs started from scratch quite literally and reinvented the basic shampoo.

A mysterious concept called ‘pH balance’ hit the world of hair care. Not even learned scholars and rocket scientists knew what it meant but everyone looked for it on shampoo labels, and sales soared. But even this pH balance defied an itchy irritant called dandruff. PG Wodehouse was right when he said: “The French invented the only known cure for dandruff. It is called the guillotine”. All this obsession over hair of course has led to a thriving industry called parlours. People now come in looking right out of the Stone Age, but go away transformed by the Iron Age: hair tamed and styled by flat irons. Hair makeovers presided by Nicole or Zola (they never have a last name) massage and manipulate, extend and exaggerate, colour and cajole, shape and shimmer until we no longer need to visit psychiatrists when feeling low. Meanwhile, a whole new ethic of political correctness has hit the vocabulary of hair. It’s safer to wonder, “Is she follicularly challenged?” than dare surmise that your colleague is going bald. It’s better to say “My Hair Designer” than say you’re going to the barber for a haircut. At last year’s Oscars, Chris Rock even got slapped by Will Smith for hinting about his wife’s alopecia. It’s also wise to pause and choose your words carefully on any remarks about others’ transformed hair. My friend Maddy got into deep trouble with this conversation with a lady at a mall recently: “Wow Jo! Great hair! You’re looking so happy too. Whatever happened to that dumb blonde I saw your husband running around with last year…” “I dyed my hair.”

(He Said/She Said is a monthly column on gender issues — funny side up. The author’s love for cooking up stories has resulted in her latest book “My Grandmother Can’t Cook!” a fun illustrated book for children. Reach her at [e-mail])