Mind your language and manners

The New College, one of the oldest constituent colleges of the University of Oxford founded in 1379, bears the motto, ‘manners maketh man.’ 

While nothing is as pleasing as good manners, and nothing as annoying as bad manners, it remains perplexing why ‘good manners’ are not widely practised, and bad manners are so rampant? Could it be that we expect others to have good manners while allowing ourselves to be otherwise wen it suits us? 

Good manners, defined as actions or behaviour that is decent and dignified, are pleasing to others. Conversely, bad manners are actions or behaviour that can be obnoxious and disgusting.  Good manners should be an essential part of our daily lives, reflecting our upbringing, education, and life skills. They enable respectful and courteous interactions, crucial for building and sustaining good relationships.

Some argue that manners and etiquette should be integrated into school education. If children learn good manners early, there’s a high chance that they will practice them throughout life. However, it is more important for elders, including parents and teachers, to model good manners as they are easily caught than taught. 

Although courtesy is said to cost nothing, it’s not entirely without cost. Beign courteous may require going the extra mile, making an effort, or sacrificing something -- an investment of time and effort, perhaps why good manners are not as common. 

On the other hand, ‘bad manners’ come without effort or sacrifice; it’s impulsive and egocentric, intended to please oneself.  ‘Good manners’ are the product of a cultured mind, a result of empathy for others. Even in disagreement, one can express dissent without being rude or unpleasant, learning to disagree without being disagreeable. 

The disctum, ‘Good manners open closed doors, and bad manners close open doors,’ underscores the universal appreciation for good manners and the abhorrence of bad manners world over.

Where do we need good manners most? Where people form queues and wait for their turn. Occasionally we come across people who try to jump the queue or form parallel queues. 

Good manners or its absence is easily noticed when people speak on telephone or in public places like observing table manners. Abusive words and rude gestures are offensive to well-mannered people, as these go against their sense of decency and decorum.  Cultured people refrain from using foul language even if provoked. They might respond with strong language but not use swear words.  

Online manners are also vital. Some tech-savvy individuals may revel in offending others online, often hiding behind anonymity--an unacceptable form of depravity. ‘Please’, ‘thank you’, ’I’m sorry’ etc are the essential lubricants for the wheel of life to move on smoothly, according to A G Gardner. In his famous essay On Saying Please, the friendly bus conductor is the very epitome of good manners. 

Just look around.  People who have relationship issues are often the bad mannered ones. While even those with good manners face problems, they resolve them with their patience, goodwill and positive attitude. 

Good manners contribute to personal and professional success, as individuals with good manners are trustworthy, dependable, and reliable. It is also interesting to note that bad manners are infectious. It is believed that bad temper travels faster and affects more people with its snowball effect. That’s all the more reason why we must be well-mannered. By practicing good manners, we can spread good cheer around us.  

Good manners help us build enduring relationships, and make the world a better place to live in.

(The writer is the Director of Little Rock in Udupi)